


things you said

by labeautelivresque



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: (the regent is only mentioned), Angst, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, the usual themes from the novels apply, trigger warnings in the notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-10-30 19:34:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labeautelivresque/pseuds/labeautelivresque
Summary: I roleplay Laurent (and occasionally Damen) on Tumblr. This is a collection of drabbles posted to my blog. The chapter titles correspond to the prompt that I was given.





	1. things you said i wouldn't understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for character death (Auguste)

                    as a child, he doesn’t understand the art of war.

his mind is meticulous – he can consume **&** process information with ease, **& ** he devours the books in the castle’s library so voraciously that his father has long since given up on the prospect of his youngest son ever matching his eldest in skill on the battlefield. 

he reads about war. he can, if he applies himself to the task, assist his brother in strategizing. he just doesn’t see the _point_. war is a bloody undertaking that laurent doesn’t see the **THRILL** in. even at the age of thirteen, he possesses the charm capable of **_(_** he thinks **_)_** convincing anyone of a compromise, even the akielons. why should veretians fight **& ** die in defense of delpheur, when surely a solution can be reached diplomatically? 

he poses this question to auguste one day, his head in his brother’s lap, as he reads aloud to him from a book of poetry. auguste doesn’t realize at first that laurent has asked him anything – he has a tendency to doze in moments like these, **& ** he’s often tired these days. “you’re still young, little brother,” he says at last, when the words finally register. he ruffles laurent’s hair, **& ** laurent has a feeling that’s auguste’s way of distracting him from arguing the point. “war is – it’s _**complicated**_. we would compromise if the akielons wished, but theomedes has never shown the inclination before.“ 

_we can’t trust them_. that is the implication of the words, laurent knows. he stays silent. “you’ll understand someday, laurent.” he falls silent, **& ** that is the end of the short-lived talk. laurent resumes his reading, **& ** the next time he glances at auguste’s face, his brother has fallen asleep with his cheek resting against his palm. 

                    two months later as, from across the battlefield, he watches auguste crumple in the dirt at damianos’ feet, laurent understands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A like/reblog on Tumblr would be much appreciated. You can find the post [here](http://ofstarbursts.tumblr.com/post/159270204637/32-things-you-said-i-wouldnt-understand).
> 
> And, of course, a comment/kudos is always appreciated! Much love to everyone!


	2. things you said in the backyard at night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for implied pedophilia/child abuse.

          “he’ll be cross with you if he catches you out of bed.”

            laurent can hear the sound of approaching footsteps, which halt momentarily when he speaks. he does not need to turn his head to know that it is nicaise who has come to intrude upon his late-night thoughts.

            “ **FUCK YOU** ,” says the boy, but there is none of his usual venom behind the words. still, he hesitates, as though weighing his options; he knows that laurent is right, **& ** he can’t afford to displease the regent, not with his birthday fast approaching. 

            laurent finally turns, blue eyes fixing themselves on the child’s uncertain expression. in the light of day, nicaise is haughty enough that he seems older than his thirteen years. now, standing barefoot in his bedclothes, he looks his age. he looks _small_ , laurent thinks, without his jewels **& ** makeup. 

                _ **(** _~~he wonders, briefly, if **HE** had looked like this at thirteen; he doesn’t remember~~  ** _)_**

“well?” he raises an eyebrow. “you’re making me nervous. are you staying, or aren’t you?”

            the boy huffs; he’s taken the question for a challenge. his mind made up, he crosses the last couple of feet between them **& ** sits down. laurent waits. nicaise wants something, or he wouldn’t be here. he wouldn’t look so _**nervous**_. 

            **& ** then, after a minute or two, the silence is broken. “my birthday is coming up.”

            _ah._ laurent keeps his face neutral as he replies, “so it is.”

            there is silence again, heavy in the air between them. nicaise draws his knees to his chest. laurent stares ahead, absentmindedly tugging at the grass beneath his fingers. out of the corner of his eye, he thinks he sees the boy’s shoulders shaking, but he says nothing. they aren’t so different, he **& ** nicaise. he knows that the boy won’t want any attention drawn to it.

            “you didn’t lie to me, did you?” 

            it’s sudden, but not unexpected. laurent has been waiting for him to ask. when he doesn’t answer immediately, nicaise clarifies: “when i’m – _**too old** …” _he speaks the words as though they are poison, **& ** laurent supposes that to nicaise, they are. his youth has been his safety net, his greatest asset, **& ** it’s slipping through his fingers. “are you really going to buy my contract?” he tries to sound casual, but laurent can hear the underlining panic in the question. 

                                                      “i’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

                _ **(** _~~in the end, it **WAS** a lie, after all~~ **_)_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A like/reblog on Tumblr would be much appreciated. You can find the post [here](http://ofstarbursts.tumblr.com/post/160144571207/29-things-you-said-in-the-backyard-at-night).
> 
> And, of course, a comment/kudos is always appreciated! Much love to everyone!


	3. things you said when you were crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for implied pedophilia/incest/child abuse, & mentions of death/murder.

          the days after marlas are the _**worst**_ of laurent’s life. 

            his brother is gone, but his shadow lingers. it follows his every move; it hangs heavy over him like a cloud until laurent is **CHOKED** by it, drowning in it. his father was killed by a lucky shot – he’d removed his helmet in grief when the news of auguste’s death had reached him, **& ** in those brief moments of vulnerability, an akielon arrow had caught him in the throat. laurent can’t imagine that his father would have endangered himself in such a way if it had been _**laurent**_ struck down by damianos in the dirt. 

            but auguste had been the golden child; as kind as he was handsome, as beloved as he was skilled in battle. the perfect prince – **THAT** is what vere has lost, thinks laurent. **& ** in his place, she has been given his polar opposite. he knows what nobody will dare to say in his presence: that they don’t **WANT** him. that if such things were possible, they would make the trade, his life for auguste’s. he knows, because he feels the same way.

            auguste had been, for so long, his _protector._ his best friend. his sole confidante. he is **LONELY** , **& ** more than once, he wonders whether it is truly possible to die of a broken heart. that’s the sort of question he would have asked auguste, curled up beside him in one of the armchairs in the library, reading from books of verse. 

            he will never know what auguste’s answer would have been, because auguste is dead **& ** that is the reason for the question. 

            he was never close to uncle before, but now uncle is all he has. he thinks that uncle may be the only one who believes that laurent can **DO THIS** , that he can rule the country one day. that he might be able to live up to the expectations his brother has set. uncle has been a comfort to him, but it isn’t the same. 

            it isn’t the same as play-fighting with auguste, or racing with him _**(** _ never mind that sometimes, auguste let him win _**)**_. it isn’t the same as the days spent pouring over books **&** maps together in the library, or their late-night talks in the safety of auguste’s room. auguste had always had time for him; there were no secrets between them. auguste had _ **always**_ been sure to give laurent the praise their father denied him, **& ** not out of pity. 

            auguste was no liar; he had believed every word that passed his lips. laurent misses it, _aches_ for it. 

                    **_(_** uncle praises him, too, but there is something  
                         more to it, something that laurent doesn’t quite understand **_)_**

laurent wants everything to go back to the way it was before; he would give **ANYTHING**. he wants to say all of this auguste, but he is forced to settle for his grave. there will be a statue of him here one day, uncle has told him. laurent doesn’t think that it’s possible to capture his brother in stone – not perfectly, at any rate. 

            he sits down **& ** tries to pretend that he’s speaking to auguste, bright-eyed **& ** alive, instead of a grave marker. 

_**(** _ tries, **& ** fails **_)_**

it all spills out – everythinghe has been thinking, everything he wishes he’d gotten to tell him before it had all gone **_so wrong_**. before it had been **STOLEN** from him. there are tears cascading down his pale cheeks by the time he is finished, but sorrow has been replaced, for the time being, with cold fury. all of this is damianos’ fault; laurent wants to make him suffer, wants to make him feel even a **FRACTION** of what he feels. 

            “i’m going to train,” he says, “ **& ** i’m going to become as good as you. **BETTER** , even. i’ll have to be better if i’m going to kill damianos.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A like/reblog on Tumblr would be much appreciated. You can find the post [here](http://ofstarbursts.tumblr.com/post/160220401622/8-things-you-said-when-you-were-crying).
> 
> And, of course, a comment/kudos is always appreciated! Much love to everyone!


	4. things you said when it was over

          he wakes to the sensation of fingers carding through his hair. 

            blue eyes flutter open to land on the culprit, who looks a little sheepish at having been caught. “i didn’t mean to wake you,” he says.

            “you’re up,” says laurent, **& ** he can’t bring himself to care about the hiccup in his voice, the overwhelming **RELIEF** that cascades through him. he doesn’t have to admit it aloud – _i was scared_ – because damen knows. damen _**always**_  knows. “i – i was beginning to think – i was worried that – damen, i –”

            he is usually more articulate than this, but he can’t seem to decide what he wants to say.  **& ** even if he could, he doesn’t think that **ANY** words could ever accurately describe the way he’s been feeling. there had been _**so much**_ blood, **& ** damen had slept for so long… laurent’s mind had gone to dark places. he’s hardly left his side. he wanted to **BE** there, if worst came to worst. 

            damen shushes him. “i know,” he murmurs, **& ** coaxes laurent into his arms. once safely ensconced in the embrace, laurent feels his body relax. 

            “i’m sorry about your brother,” he says, words muffled from where his face is buried in damen’s shoulder. “i _**had**_ to. he would have – he was going to…” his breath hitches, **&** the words die off into silence.

            “but he _**didn’t**_ ,” damen soothes, **& ** laurent feels lips pressing against his hair. “you stopped him, laurent. you saved my life.”

            they say nothing more for quite a while. there is no need for words: this is more than enough. laurent doesn’t want to think about what might have happened if he had been too late to stop kastor. it doesn’t matter, because damen is **HERE**. he is alive. they are _**both** _ alive, **& ** his uncle is gone, **& ** for the first time since he was thirteen years old, he is allowing himself to **HOPE**. everything will be alright. it’s over, now. 

            even so, it is laurent who finally disturbs their comfortable peace. “i’m not used to this,” he whispers. damen doesn’t have to ask what he means. it’s there, has _**always** _ been there, hanging over them. 

**_(_**   _i’m not used to feeling safe._ ** _)_**

            “well,” damen says, **& ** laurent can hear the smile in his voice, “you better get used to it, because i don’t intend to  _ **ever**_ let you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A like/reblog on Tumblr would be much appreciated. You can find the post [here](http://ofstarbursts.tumblr.com/post/160380309052/22-things-you-said-after-it-was-over).
> 
> And, of course, a comment/kudos is always appreciated! Much love to everyone!


	5. things you said while i cried in your arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for panic attacks, and mentions of rape/pedophilia/incest/abuse.

          some nights, laurent just _**can’t**_. tonight is one of them. “we don’t have to,” says damen, **& ** the gentleness in his voice makes color rise in laurent’s cheeks, makes shame swell in his chest until he is nearly  **SUFFOCATING** in it. 

            “it’s fine,” he replies. to his disgust, his voice wavers **& ** when he tries again, it is to the same effect. “i’m _**fine**_. get on with it.” damen, still poised above him, makes no move to obey. warm brown eyes meet blue, **& ** there is so much _sadness_ reflected in them that laurent wrenches his gaze away **& ** balls his fists in the sheets beneath him. he doesn’t want pity, not from damen. not from **ANYONE**. 

            “you’re not fine.” the statement isn’t meant to wound, but its honesty  **HURTS** , nevertheless. it’s _humiliating_. laurent tries to find the words to argue, but he knows from experience that no matter what he says, damen has made his mind up. nothing is going to be happening tonight **& ** despite the overwhelming relief he feels at the revelation, laurent hears himself apologize.

            “i – i’m sorry. i – i… _**sorry**_.” it sounds very far away, as though happening across a vast distance. it doesn’t even sound like his voice, small **& ** tinny, like there isn’t enough air passing through his lungs. maybe there isn’t. he doesn’t feel as though he’s breathing at all. he’s **DROWNING** , **& ** the more he tries to gasp for air, the further he sinks. he thinks that this must be what dying feels like.

            he can hear a voice calling to him, its words slow **&  **distorted. “laurent? laurent, sweetheart… can i touch you?” he latches onto the voice as though it might pull him afloat, nods frantically because his terror outweighs his embarrassment, **& ** the next thing he knows, he’s sitting upright **&** there are warm hands cupping his cheeks **& ** his own hand is pressed against damen’s bare chest _**(** _ damen _ **!!**_  that’s who the voice belongs to _**)**_. he can feel his heart beating steadily beneath his fingers. 

            “c-can’t breathe,” he chokes out **& ** damen moves closer, letting his forehead rest against laurent’s.   
  
          “i know,” he soothes. “i _know_. you’re hyperventilating, sweetheart. look at me, can you do that? just look at me, _**breathe**_ with me.” they get off to a bit of a rough start, but damen is patient _**(** _ damen is **ALWAYS** so patient with him _**)**_ , **& ** soon, his breathing has more-or-less returned to normal, evening out to match his lover’s. he slumps into his arms, tiny against his chest, **& ** realizes that he’s been crying. he’s _still_ crying.

            normally, this would repulse him. 

            he would make every effort to **STOP** , because he’s acting like a child, **& ** damen doesn’t need to see this, **& **_god,_ when will he stop feeling like this? his uncle is dead, but he isn’t  **GONE**. he’s still here, a ghost lingering in the air between them, **& ** laurent can’t help it. he can’t help that sometimes, when damen touches him, it’s _his_ hands he feels. **&** he can’t shake the fear that someday, damen will understand just how **DAMAGED** he is  **&** leave him – that even from beyond the grave, the regent has the power to rip everything he loves away from him. 

            but he keeps crying, because there is nothing else he can do. 

            **& ** damen holds him close **&  **kisses his hair **&** the tenderness of it only makes laurent cry harder. “ _that’s it_ ,” damen whispers. “you’re safe, sweetheart. i’m _**here**_. you’re safe.” damen’s arms are the only safety that laurent has known since he was thirteen years old. “i’m **HERE**. nobody is ever going to hurt you again. i _promise_. i’m not going anywhere.”

                    _**(** _**& ** hours later, as he lays awake in damen’s arms,  
                                                             laurent decides that he believes him **_)_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A like/reblog on Tumblr would be much appreciated. You can find the post [here](http://ofstarbursts.tumblr.com/post/160458330237/31-things-you-said-while-i-cried-in-your-arms).
> 
> And, of course, a comment/kudos is always appreciated! Much love to everyone!


	6. things you said in your sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They've earned this.
> 
> This one is purely Lamen fluff <3

          they’re seated on the sofa in the library, laurent curled up against damen’s side, his head resting against his shoulder. oh, it hadn’t **STARTED** that way, but it seems that laurent is more exhausted that he’d let on – after only an hour of damen reading to him _**(**_ their newest pastime _**)**_ , he’d begun to drowse.

          “laurent?” says damen softly,  **& ** waits to see if he’ll receive a response. he doesn’t. he can’t help but smile a little as he closes the book and sets it aside. he feels _**honored**_ , really, that laurent feels so comfortable with him – that he trusts him enough to be this vulnerable.

                     ** _(_** _he loves him,_ **& **_that realization no longer terrifies him_ **_)_**

          damen stands, and bends to lift his lover into his arms with care, hoping not to wake him. he fails, of course. laurent stirs,  **&**  to damen’s surprise, he slides his arms around his neck, presses his face into his shoulder. damen thinks that if he were to die in this moment, he would die the happiest man in the world. 

          “are you awake?” he asks, trying to judge how coherent laurent is. when he doesn’t get a response, he determines that the king of vere is asleep again, or on the verge of it. he must have really been tired, he thinks affectionately. laurent’s been so _**busy**_ since the ascension – perhaps they’re overdue for another holiday. 

          he carries laurent to their bed, sets him down atop the silken sheets, **&** proceeds to undress him as best he’s able while his lover is unconscious **&** unable to assist him _**(**_ which is, admittedly, not well; laurent’s been wearing fewer laces as of late, but they’re still a hassle to undo **_)_**. 

          damen lies down beside him when he finishes, lets his fingers card through laurent’s blond locks, **&** thanks his lucky stars **_(_** for what isn’t the first time **_)_** that he has him. that they’re both safe **&** alive, **&** that the regent can **NEVER** lay a hand on his nephew again. instinctively, he brushes a kiss to the other man’s cheek **&  **puts an arm around his waist to tug him closer. laurent makes a soft noise of appreciation **& ** tucks his face into the crook of damen’s neck. 

          “…love you,” comes his sleepy voice, muffled by skin. damen freezes; laurent has never _**said**_ it before, although he’s left no room for doubt. damen knows what they mean to each other. the words make **_warmth_** blossom in his chest.

          laurent is asleep again. he likely won’t remember this, come morning. nonetheless, damen holds him just a little tighter **& ** returns the sentiment. 

                                                                                           “i love you, too, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! A like/reblog on Tumblr would be much appreciated. You can find the post [here](http://ofstarbursts.tumblr.com/post/160742537922/things-you-said-in-your-sleep-lamen).
> 
> I'm in the process of planning two new Capri fics. One is going to be a Lamen fake dating AU (because that trope is an oldie, but a goodie), and the other is going to feature ghost!Auguste. I'll be posting snippets to my Twitter, so you can all feel free to follow me [there](http://twitter.com/kath_lightfoot). I'm constantly screaming over Capri. 
> 
> And, of course, a comment/kudos is always appreciated! Much love to everyone!


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